addiction & i don't want help

I like to run. Most days I'd rather run than do anything else at all. When my day is not going as desired, Oh I'll just run it off. When my day is going great and energy is flowing out my ears, Oh I'll just run. When I can't get a run in, I want to sleep so I can wake up and run. I hate missing a day of running and usually it affects my mood. I eat around my running schedule and I plan my day around my running. I save my money for my running events and shoes. Running is my therapy session and my punching bag. It is my release and my inspiration. It is my outlet and blanket. It makes me cry and makes me laugh. I get excited to run and I get annoyed. The most intimate relationship I hold is forefront of my mind when I'm hitting the pavement, while I'm praying and speaking openly with my creator, Jesus Christ.

Running is Jesus' time of ridding my heart of DIRT. That hour or so of just focusing on him and all his blessings can not be heard or bought through anyone and that is what makes running my DRUG. A spiritual, physiological, emotional, physical NEED. Thank You Jesus for blessing me with the 5 hours or 30ish miles per week I can have with you.

Beauty

Why do I fail when i don't feel beautiful? Why do I believe perfection exists in how I look? I will never be perfect and the only one who can see perfectly is GOD, I cry when my hair is colored differently than I envisioned and realize then and there that beauty is in the eye of the CREATOR. Though I see myself as hideous, unworthy and not pretty- he sees me as an empty canvas waiting to be adorned with colors and designs.
I want to be skinny
I want to be flawless
i want to be sparkling

I will never live up to my own expectations and by striving to perfection I will only break my own heart. I will continually fall short of my own glory and will only glorify God.

Only through him do I see beauty. He fills me up, satisfies me and brings me joy. All I need is his love.